MOUSE!

Every cop, firefighter and EMT in America plays pranks on their brothers and sisters. I'm pretty sure pranking is in our DNA now; I've not worked a single shift where someone wasn't trying to either play a prank or guffawing about past pranks that have become the stuff of legend. When I was just a baby EMT, one of my new buddies pulled me out to the bay and giggled while he put a wide-mouthed cup of ice water in someone's turnout boot. If I had remembered where everyone's position was, I'd have known it was the captain. It was a good half hour before that crew got a call. Naturally, everyone starts sticking their stocking feet in their boots without looking and, as expected, the captain yowled at the top of his lungs and slung his foot out. He caught his toe on the inside of his boot and his momentum flung him straight back, tipped his boots over and spilled ice-cold water everywhere. He recovered quickly and they went on the call, but when they got back he was openly plotting revenge against everyone in the station.

By the end of the night, even he was laughing about it.

Several months later, I and a good friend were at a Toys R Us looking for a gift for his son's birthday. You wouldn't think that a couple of EMT's could get into much trouble at a store like that...at least you wouldn't if you're not from our profession. Halfway down the aisle housing remote-control cars, we both froze in front of a pack of tiny little remote-control cars. It happened in perfect unison; a light shone down from heaven, and the horns that held up our halos grew a little. "Hey," he said, "didn't we see fake rats back there?"

"We sure did," I replied with a devilish grin. I'm pretty sure my halo slid right off at that point, because I ran - I did not walk, I RAN - back to get a couple. He grabbed this four-pack of miniature remote-controlled cars. By the time we got back to my place (he has to hide his kids' gifts at my place now because they know where he hides them at home) I was practically bouncing with excitement over what we were going to do.

You with me so far? You'll love this.

These fake rats, not very big at all, were pretty realistic. They're always available around Halloween for decoration, and they were perfect. We cut out just enough of their undersides to fit the cars in (it wasn't easy, because if we put them in too far they wouldn't move, and if we didn't put them in far enough it looked cheesy and fake). We waited until the guys on the engine were out on a call and did a few dry runs. Once we had it down, we hid both of them between the refrigerators and waited for the right time.

Late in the evening, we'll all go on a call and when we come back, we check everything on the rigs and clean up if necessary then filter slowly back into the station to go to bed. I swear that night it took forever for us to have the right opportunity, and we were afraid it would never come - but come it did, and it came at the perfect time at night when the lights in common areas are dimmed. We got back from a call before they did and took our positions.

The first guy to come in, as we had prayed, went into the kitchen to get a drink. Right as he turned to walk out of the kitchen we did our thing - led the fake rat right through the kitchen, across the hallway, and around the corner into the extra barracks where we were hiding.

This six-foot-odd, burly, muscle-bound firefighter squealed "MOUSE!" like a little girl and turned and ran right back out to the bay.

You have no idea just how impossible it was to refrain from laughing out loud.

We still had one more, and the first guy came back with the other three in tow, one holding his ax as though this mouse was going to tear his face off. That alone would have been hilarious. My buddy hit the throttle on the second one and it tore off in the same fashion, the light hitting it just perfectly, and all four jumped straight up in the air. The guy with the ax went to throw it but ended up tossing it in a beautiful arc. The ax landed just a few feet in front of them (I half-expected the thrower to finish with a pirouette).

"Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph," the captain spat. "It's a goddamn mouse!"

"It's TWO of 'em!" the first victim wailed.

"They're MICE!" The captain retorted. "They're not gonna spit venom at you, let's just go find the little bastards!"

Now we were trapped in a barracks with no cover and had four piss-and-vinegar firefighters coming. We simply accepted our fate and stood, ready to face them. When the light was flicked on, we couldn't help it. We erupted in peals of hysterical laughter. My buddy nearly fell over. I was laughing so hard I nearly had a stroke. We carried on for what seemed like forever, four men capable of tearing us both to pieces looking on in fuming silence, before we finally straightened up.

The captain strode up to me, put one hand on my shoulder, and wagged a finger at me as he spoke. "Ranger...you better tell me you thought this through. I hope to all hell...I HOPE...you had a camera out there so we can win some damn money!"