Why?

In EMS and Fire, we deal with things that most people don't understand. We all have those stories that are so disturbing that we will never tell our spouses, parents, siblings or children. We've all seen things that most others would require serious therapy for. I wondered for a very long time if my ability to see those things and not be bothered by them meant something was very wrong with me. What tells me that I'm alright is the fact that I still can't imagine coming onto a scene and seeing someone I love like that.

Last week, I saw the face of a man I worked with on the news. Only two of the five local channels had picked up the story. We all know what to look for when we're trying to figure something out solely from the news, and I very quickly deduced what was likely. It twisted my stomach into massive knots. An off-duty cop assigned to an Air Rescue paramedic unit is found alone in his hotel room, dead, and the word is that no foul play is suspected - and the man is too young and seemingly too healthy for something like a pulmonary embolism. Very little is being said. If a death turns out to be suicide (unless it also involves murder), suddenly the media shuts up, and they did.

Several days later, I got to my station and my fear was confirmed. This man I'd worked with for over a year, whom I had a great deal of respect for and whose advice I'd sought, had committed suicide.

Being that I suspected it, I didn't think it would hit me as hard as it did.

I've lost track of the number of EMS calls I've gone on where someone was talking about suicide or had attempted suicide. Lately, I've been running on a lot of completed suicides. The people left behind when someone takes their own life all start out with that familiar stunned emptiness in their eyes. The longer I remain on scene the more their reactions differ. I've seen people shut down, open up, collapse, cry, scream, and had to restrain a few when a body was being removed. I've viewed bodies to determine whether or not it would be prudent to allow family members to see them before they're taken away (it's almost never a good idea, even when they OD).

None of that can possibly steel a person to withstand the news that a person they cared about ended their own life. I daresay it only makes it worse. I've been on those calls where someone is talking about suicide or has attempted it, and a friend or relative is standing there, irritated, saying, "they're just trying to get attention!" They only took a handful of pills, they say. The cuts were just superficial.

What I wish I could tell those people sometimes is that they need to wake up. Those kind of incidents are often the best indicator that someone needs help. Getting mad at them most times does no good. Offer to go with them to get help, talk to them, call 911 if you have to - but nobody knows how many completed suicides I've gone on where someone was left feeling hollow and alone, trying to figure out if there was some subtle sign dropped, wishing they'd seen something so obvious so they'd still have that person there.

I've been to that edge myself. It's been eight years now, but I looked over that edge and the experience has left me a very different person. Even now I still remember the feeling that things in my life would never get better, nobody could understand or fix things, and talking would not help. I felt deep depression and fear, then - nothing. I actually came to a peace that I had accepted the idea of dying. I won't say exactly what happened, but to this day I do not fear death. What I do fear is having to face God and answer for something like that.

Because of that experience, I feel like an enormous hypocrite for asking the question everyone is asking right now - "WHY?". He had a big heart, a handsome smile, and a concern for his patients that others I know have lost in the same amount of time in our profession. He had three beautiful, respectful kids who adored him. What on Earth could have been so intensely painful that he would remove himself from this world and rob it of the better place it would have been with him in it? What propelled him to give up so soon?

His family and closest friends will ask themselves for a very long time if they missed something that could have served as a warning that he was teetering on the edge. His adorable girls will wonder why daddy didn't love them enough to stick around. Everyone will feel guilt and an empty desperation that is unique to suicide survivors. I have learned that those things are absolutely unavoidable. It's natural for those things to happen. It's brutally unfair, though.

In our line of work, what we do sometimes weighs heavily on us. To all of my fellow Fire/Rescue/EMS addicts and to all of the cops out there, I give you an admonishment that I cannot make more heartfelt: take care of yourselves.