The Boob Grab Story

Every EMT and paramedic has their personal embarrassment story. Most of them are absolutely hysterical (sometimes even to those involved). I have more than one, and if I'm at a party, whether the story has been told a hundred times or a thousand, I'll always hear, "hey, Ranger - tell us the boob grab story!"

Before I started working full-time on a rig I went on a ridealong with a couple of friends who had both taught as assistants in my original EMT course. They were both medics, so I was the one riding bitch; I was going to be taking vitals and acting as the packhorse. About halfway through the shift our gong goes off and we hear, "medic 999, call for a fall injury at assisted living facility X." We get in and the younger medic, whom I'll call Sparky, announces, "patient is an 80-year-old male, found on the floor, broken bones, acting strangely. Ranger, what'd we tell you about assisted living facilities in school?"

I shake my head and chuckle before answering, "one of three things is guaranteed to happen. One, the patient is new to the facility and nobody knows where his file is. Two, the nurse on duty just got on shift and doesn't know what's going on. Three, the nurse on duty is from the nurse pool and has never met any of the residents there..."

"...Or, if you're really lucky, all of the above!" the driver, whom I'll dub Yoda, pipes up. "Anybody wanna make a bet on which it is?"

Sparky looks at the address and says, "I've been there before. The nurse is ALWAYS from the pool!"

Yoda says, "I bet they throw you for a loop this time, buddy, I bet the patient is a new guy!"

Which leaves me: "I'm going for all of the above. I bet this is gonna be interesting."

I grab the splint kit and the jump bag, toss them on the stretcher and we all stroll through the front door. A doe-eyed nurse who looks young enough to have just finished school greets us with, "It's only my second shift here and this guy just got here today and it happened right after I got here so I have no idea..."

Score one for the plebe!

Sparky raised an eyebrow at me and we went down the hall, around the corner, down another hall and stopped at a room with three beds in it. Next to the first one in the door was a frail old man, laying prostrate on the floor, a pillow under his head. Despite the fact that an untrained puke like me could see the deformity in his hip, the man smiled at us when we walked in.

At some point, another resident said that they thought he had Alzheimer's, which explained his confusion. He couldn't remember how he got on the floor; he just knew that it hurt terribly to move. I watched as Yoda deftly palpated the man's head, neck, shoulders, arms, all the way down, asking at certain points, "does this hurt?" When he got to his hips he very gently pressed and the old man would've curled up if his body could have. We very gently rolled him onto a backboard, put him in full c-spine and lifted him onto the stretcher.

Somewhere in the maze between his room and the front door, the nurse was able to produce his file. I thought, "well, that'll be dandy, at least we'll be able to tell the docs what medication he's on." We went out and as we got things situated, I felt an interesting sensation about six inches below my neck.

That old coot was feeling me up.

I wasn't sure what to do. All I could say was, "uuuuummmmm..." Yoda and Sparky both looked up at me just in time for Hugh Hefner's lesser-known twin brother to latch onto one of my boobs. This wasn't a little squeeze, a little "honk" and we're done. Nope. He grabbed it like it was the Holy Grail being brought to restore his youth. Then he started rolling it around in his hand and before I could do anything, just as suddenly as it began, he stopped. He dropped his hand onto his stomach and said, "I've had better!"

My response came out of nowhere. It even surprised me. I didn't know what the hell else to say, so I just looked at him, patted him on the shoulder and said, "that's okay, hon. So have I."

We couldn't look at each other. All three of us knew that if we exchanged a single glance, we'd lose it. We just felt it better to not say one word until the coast was clear. We transported him to the nearest hospital, transferred care to the emergency staff (whom Yoda had already briefed quite meticulously while we were en route) and, without another word, went back to the nurses' break room.

There, the three of us looked at each other and in unison we burst into fits of hysterical laughter. We were laughing so hard I nearly passed out.